I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on