my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
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