This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.