Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?