I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
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I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going