I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog