Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.