I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick