The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood