You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers