Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.