Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.