I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight