She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.