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Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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