He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.