Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.