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I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
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