I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough