I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough