seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
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Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?