she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.