i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
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Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
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i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.