He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad