There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry