When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...