You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.