It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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