I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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