I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
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I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I have poison ivy on my dick
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"