I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her