My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.