Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff