Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?