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Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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