I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.