just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just blew my weed a kiss
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.