She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?