I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b