He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends