maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long