Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.