We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic