you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.