The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
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Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.