The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.