he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.