he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.