I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.