I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.