It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."