This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s