If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.