I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol