What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.