My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.