I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.