Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.