Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
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That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game