I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest