I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
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Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome