The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings