I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.