I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
so much tequila, so little girl.