you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
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Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors