anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
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By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.