I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
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By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.