Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.