My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"