All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.