i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
