I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
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Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.